Wendell Peters’ company, Pickled Pete’s Pickle Packery, Inc., makes and sells hot sauces and other products that poke fun at America’s judicial system. Peters is the self-styled “Chief Shyster” behind a line of hot sauces with names judiciously borrowed from legal jargon. Fearless of hot products liability, he taunts, “So Sue Me.”

The Judicial Flavors sauces mock Peters’ own profession with names like barbecue “Shyster Sauce,” “Lawyer’s Breath” hot sauce, “Contempt of Court” pepper sauce, and “Under the Influence” tomatillo sauce. According to an article in Entrepreneur Illustrated, reproduced in full on his website, his profession is a big part of his saucy success.

And while there are a literally millions of labels fighting for consumer attention in the fiery foods industry, Peters says his law-oriented theme, combined with the fact that he is a lawyer, tends to startle people when he displays his products at shows. “They buy them once for the label, then they buy them again and again because they’re so good,” he says.

“For an attorney to get into this market and do all of the line-building and creation on his own is quite an accomplishment,” says Kathy Stanley’ Master distributor . “We get very good response from the Judicial Flavors’ line. It’s very strange to see an attorney bashing his own industry, and that’s exactly why it sells.”

Peters, who still practices law in Auburn, California, says his colleagues in the legal profession have been very supportive of his hot little business venture. “They are all rooting for me to get over the wall,” he says, laughing. “They say ‘You can do it, Wendell! Be free!’”

JERK DEFINED
In culinary circles, the word “jerk” has an entirely different meaning from the definitions found in your standard dictionary. To the gourmand, “jerk,” also refers to Jamaican Jerk or jerk rub, a highly pungent, flavorful seasoning underscored with Scotch bonnet chiles (also referred to in Jamaica as “country peppers”). Jerk originated on the Caribbean island of Jamaica.

Ingredients can vary, depending on the chef, but jerk is often made spicy and delicious with ginger, tamarind, nutmeg, thyme, green onions, allspice and the Scotch bonnet chile. Scotch bonnets, which come in several varieties, have a “round taste,” a concentrated heat delivered to the palate with apricot or fruity overtones. (The habanero pepper can be used as a substitute.) Most Jamaican chefs grind the whole spices by hand in a mortar and pestle to retain the aromatic oils. But to save time, modern chefs pulverize the spices in a spice grinder or coffee mill.

Allspice, another key ingredient in the seasoning, is a pea-size berry of the evergreen pimiento tree and is native to the West Indies and South America. The island of Jamaica, however, stocks most of the world’s supply. The spice is so named because it tastes like a fusion of nutmeg, cloves and cinnamon, which lends jerk its unique taste.

Jerk can be prepared as a wet paste or marinade or a dry rub. The medley is gently massaged into chicken, pork, beef or fish before grilled slowly (that’s key!) over a barbecue grill or in a pit or smoker. In the Caribbean, jerk chicken and jerk pork are especially popular. Roadside vendors often “jerk” the meat in ovens made from cut drums. The smell alone conjures up ravenous and unruly appetites. This gourmet seasoning is well worth your time to prepare. Make a big batch…the seasoning can be stored and preserved in a cool, dark place for six months in a jar with dried lime or grapefruit rind.

CHILE CONSIDERATIONS
Red poblano rellenos. A scrumptious alternative to the traditional New Mexican green chile relleno is the red poblano relleno. Best roasted (roasting gives the poblano a broad, smoky, more earthy flavor), stuff this sweet, medium-hot pod with a mixture of spicy ground beef and pinto or black beans. Makes a great appetizer, or for a meal, top the pepper with sour cream and guacamole and serve with Spanish rice and a fruit salad. Poblanos measure about 4 to 5 inches long and 2 1/2 to 3 inches in diameter.

Ripe Red Jalapenos. Consider substituting red bell peppers with red jalapenos in recipes. The red jalapeno is the ripe form of the green jalapeno. Slightly sweeter in flavor than the green, the red jalapeno tastes particular savory in salads and meatloaf. Roasted red jalapenos are often used for soups. Dried smoked jalapenos are known as chipotle chiles.

Dried chiles (for powder). Thick fleshed chile such as the jalapeno and serrano, says chilehead Dave Anderson, “won’t air dry even in low humidity climates before they rot so they’re smoked instead. Of course, if you have a dehydrator, anything can be dried and made into chile powder.”

Fired Up Poppers. Another chilehead, Baker Richardson, recently shared this recipe: Stuff sliced and de-seeded habaneros with a mixture of cream cheese and Wisconsin cheddar. Add a snippet of chives. Wrap each habanero with a half strip of bacon and secure with a toothpick. Bake at 425 degrees until bacon is done. “We also do this with jalapenos for the wimps in my family,” he writes. “Add a case of good beer and a Packer game and hey, life don’t get any better than this.”

Rise and Shine Chileheads! If you don’t sleep in on Saturdays, tune in The Mexican Kitchen, shown at 7:30 a.m. on public television station KRWG TV22 (cable, Channel 2). Hosted by chef Rod Santana, the show features mostly Tex-Mex recipes. But all is forgiven. Santana also offers wonderful chile tidbits. Last Saturday was no exception:

Pico de gallo means the “beak of the rooster” but “I don’t know why,” Santana acknowledged. (If a reader knows, please email or call me.) Typical pico de gallo ingredients include chopped tomatoes, onions, serranos, cilantro, salt and fresh lemon juice. (Cilantro gives the mix its earthy fresh smell.)

Hint: Before squeezing, roll a fresh lemon on the counter to loosen its juice.

Serrano means “from the mountain.” Serrano is the hottest chile generally available in the United States.

JERK RUB
Recipe from Mike Bersell, a Certified Executive Chef (CEC) and Chef of Disney’s 2112 room Caribbean Beach Resort at Walt Disney World in Lake Buena Vista, Florida.

Jerk Rub is a moist paste used to pack around meats while they are smoked (or grilled). It nowhere resembles the dry powder you may be used to. Once you try the real thing, you’ll never go back!

Heat in a skillet about 5 minutes, turning often:

8 Tablespoons Allspice Berries

Combine with remaining ingredients in a food processor. Grind to a fine paste.

8 fresh Cinnamon Leaves or Bay Leaves
8 sprigs Fresh Thyme
16 Spring Onions
8 Garlic Cloves
12 fresh Scotch Bonnet Peppers
1 cup Pimentos
1 Tablespoon Salt
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper

It’s amazing. The chile pepper experience has the same “side effects” as falling in love.

- Heated passion
- How much and the kind of chile your heartthrob prefers may determine the success of your relationship.
- Cupid
- A 1940s Romantic Valentine’s Day dinner
- Email a chile kiss
- The Ultimate Valentine’s Day Rub - it’s not what you think

SMOOOOOCH(ITALICS)! Happy Valentine’s Day chile lovers! This holiday is an especially heated one for chile aficionados. Our kisses are hotter, our hearts burn with chile desire and our romantic dinners are downright feverish -and we don’t even need a date!

Valentines Day isn’t all about chocolate; it’s about heat - chile heat. There’s a clear similarity between the chile pepper experience and falling in love. We swoon and get goose-bumpy over the voluptuous and heated chile pod that causes our brows to perspire and eyes to weep. Currying favor or articulating our devotion means not a gift of chocolate rather a presentation of the passionate chile pod.

The pod one selects for a Valentine paramour is contingent on how well you know the person. Do they like it hot and green or hot and red? Or do they have mood swings - some days they may prefer hot and red, but some days, the green and mild. Do they prefer chile as a sauce or as a paste? Is chile a part of their every day life or is it just a once a week, or a once a month thing? Yes, one can tell a lot about a heartthrob just by the chile they prefer and how often they need it. For example, I need it “hot” every day; but my husband “medium,” he’s a twice a week person - but that’s just between you and me.

Personality and career choice are also important indicators of the type of chile one fancies. (Who needs Meyers-Briggs when you’ve got the Chile Rush Test?) I myself adore “hot” - whether it is red or green. It’s a reflection of my frolicsome, impulsive, and yes, even flirtatious nature. I can bat my eyes just as I did 20 years ago, (the response is somewhat different however than it was during from my thick, auburn hair days). And although I consider myself a food and history writer, I’m not chained to those topics.

My husband, on the other hand, has a rather subdued and serious side. Ed’s schedule rarely changes day to day. He studies charts, numbers and equations and holds the same ho-hum office hours each week. He comes home from work about the same time every evening, and weekends are reserved for sports in the morning and more computer work in the afternoon. But on occasion he has moments of spontaneity - like the time he asked me to go hiking while I was frantically trying to make a deadline. Ed is unmistakably a medium green chilehead…his defense being that he’s “a nerd - aren’t all engineers?” But I wouldn’t know for sure - I’ve never shared a chile with another engineer.

CUPID
Cupid, the most famous of Valentine symbols, is known as a mischievous, winged
child armed with bow and arrows. He finds his mark in the heart of men who then fall hopelessly in love. Perhaps we could convince Cupid to shoot his arrows into the hearts of chile Cheechakos (inexperienced and wary chile chompers).

VALENTINE DINNER 40s STYLE
The traditional Valentine’s Day supper in the 1940s was consommé, heart-shaped croutons, Chicken ‘a la king, heart-shaped toast, green peas, raw vegetable salad with radishes and carrots cut into shapes of hearts and arrows, rolls, cherry sherbet, heart-shaped cookies and punch. [The New American Etiquette, Books, Inc., 1941].

EMAIL A HOT KISS
http://www.pepperjoe.com/peppercard.html

THE ULTIMATE VALENTINE RUB (It’s not what you think)
Dry rub is a mixture of spices and chile, which is applied to meat, poultry, fish or vegetables before smoking or barbecuing. I suggest using this dry rub recipe on plump pieces of chicken breasts or butterfly pork chops to complement your hot date.

4 T Cumin
2 T Salt
4 T Thyme
2 T Curry Powder
4 T Garlic powder
1 T Onion Powder
4 T Black Pepper, freshly ground

In a glass jar with a tight-fitting lid, combine ingredients. Stir or shake to mix. Use immediately or store in a cool, dark place for several months. Rub the spice mix into the meat and allow to marinade in the refrigerator for at least 24 hours before barbecuing.

MATCHMAKER EMPANADAS
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
2 T cocoa powder
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 T New Mexico red chile pepper, ground
1/2 tsp. hot habanero sauce
1/2-cup butter (or margarine), cut into pieces
4 ounces cream cheese, cut into pieces
Raspberry preserves
2 eggs, beaten

Sift dry ingredients into a bowl. Add habanero sauce, butter, and cheese. Using clean hands, shape mixture into a ball. Wrap in wax paper and refrigerate for about one hour or until well chilled. On floured surface rollout dough 1/8 inch thick. Using a heart-shaped cookie cutter (about 3 1/4 x 2 1/2-inches) or a chile pod shaped cookie cutter, cut out shapes. Place 1 teaspoon of raspberry preserves in center of half of the cookies. Brush edges with beaten egg and cover with another heart (or chile pod). With a fork, gently press edges together. Place on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Brush tops with a thin coating of beaten egg and sprinkle with sugar. Bake 10 minutes or until golden. Cool.

Chile Fix is Quick ‘n Easy

Rita Garrison Dobie and husband Skip, now deceased, were on vacation zooming west along I-10 through New Mexico in 1990 when they stopped in Las Cruces. “It was love at first sight,” said Rita, spirited owner of Tia Rita’s dehydrated chile products. Within a year the couple moved from native Oklahoma to Las Cruces. Skip, an ambitious photographer, and Rita, a caterer and cookbook author began to sell her recipe tomes at the Las Cruces Farmers Market. Then in 1991, the couple, each a self-proclaimed gourmand, decided to utilize Rita’s food dehydration savvy to package salsa mixes. “We figured that, with salsa’s rising popularity, this is exactly what the world needed,” she said. And the Dobies were right.

On the first Saturday of May in 1991, the entrepreneurs showed up at the Farmers Market armed with 30 polyurethane packages of mild, medium and hot salsa, all of which sold within 30 minutes. The following Saturday they peddled 60 packages in record time. Convinced they had a hot idea, that fall they introduced green chile salt, also a hit. By mid-1992, a half dozen additional products were being sold at the market including chile mixes, a variety of seasonings and extra hot salsa (to please local palates). “The Farmers Market,” Rita claims, “is the best place in the world to test a product.” Regular customers often help out by completing a written review.

The dehydration process, explained Rita, is the original method of food preservation, which blocks moisture spoilage such as mold or fermentation. Not only are dried foods convenient to store but they’re also easier to transport because of their greatly reduced volume and mass. “It’s man’s oldest way and most perfect way to preserve food,” she said. “When dehydrated properly, ninety percent of a food’s nutrients can be retained.” Rita compares the process to that of freezing or canning foods. “Only 25 percent of the nutrients are retained by freezing and 75 percent by canning,” she said. Last year, Rita used 1,300 pounds of dried chile or “approximately 20,000 pounds from the vine” for her mixes that contain “absolutely no artificial flavors. Not only are they convenient to use, but they’re good for you and they taste good.” She said that her chile salts contain only “thirty percent salt” and the refried bean mix is fat free. Most of Rita’s “dump and go” entrees can be prepared within 30 minutes.

Today, floor-to-ceiling shelves at Tia Rita’s Picacho Ave. factory and warehouse are crowded with colorful chile products - salt free seasoning mixes, dehydrated soup and stew mixes and sauces, Spanish rice, cornbread, picadillo (burrito filling), and pasilla meat seasoning. Rita also packages dehydrated chile peppers, ground or crushed. She is currently “inventing” a tortilla soup mix. With the untimely death of her husband four years ago, Rita recently decided to move the corporate headquarters to Oklahoma to be nearer relatives. Jim Jernigan, a Tia Rita employee since 1993, has been named executive vice president and will remain in Las Cruces to oversee the local operation. “The demand for the product continues. It’s very popular. It’s become a gourmet product and more and more gift shops are selling it,” said Jim. A New Orleans radio talk show host recently mentioned Tia-Rita’s on the air. “We received about 20 phone calls requesting our catalog,” he said. “I’m not sure how he found out about us. I e-mailed him but he hasn’t gotten back to me.”

Rita’s award winning products are sold at the Farmers Market and stocked at various stores in New Mexico and El Paso. Locally, they can be purchased at IGA, the Food Co-op and in Mesilla shops. She also has customers worldwide including Turkey, Holland and Saudia Arabia.

“Nothing beats home cooking but nothing comes closer to it than our product,” says Rita proudly.

For more information, call 1-800-367-5454 or (505) 524-4700

CHILE PEPPER STAMPS

A chile postage stamp? It’s a great idea says Fiery Foods Magazine subscriber Bill Krumbein who is leading the campaign. “There are now books, posters, coffee mugs, rugs, clothing, dishware and numerous other things emblazoned with chile peppers, so why not stamps?,” said a March 11 Fiery Foods Magazine on-line press release. Chileheads can send a postcard of support to the United States Postal Service, Citizen’s Stamp Advisory Committee, 475 L’Enfant Plaza SW, Washington, DC 20260-6352

What happens when two “mad” scientists, both home brewers, get together? They open a microbrewery, of course.

Mark Cunningham and Robert “Bob” Gossein met several years ago when they worked at the Electron Microscope Laboratory at NMSU. At the time, Cunningham, with degrees in microbiology and biochemistry, was a Senior Research Specialist. Gossein, a physiologist, had recently been hired on also as a researcher. After working jointly on various projects, they got to know one another well enough to identify common interests besides neutrons and electrons. Cunningham and Gossein both enjoyed beer, not just any kind, but home brew, their OWN home brews.

After months of joint recipe development, Cunningham and Gossein decided to form a commercial microbrewery partnership. Originally, their plan was to distribute the brew wholesale. But when a 1940s building, located adjacent to Nellie’s Café at 1201 S. Hadley Ave. was put on the market, they opted to enter the flourishing brewpub business. “The previous owner had started renovating the building for a planned barbecue joint, but when the whole thing fell through, the building was put up for sale,” said Cunningham. Gossein purchased the property, which includes several adjacent apartments. “The price was right. And although it still needed a lot of work, we could easily visualize a brewpub.”

High Desert Brewery Co., which will celebrate its first anniversary in July, has established itself as one of the finest brewpubs in the state. Business is hopping, so to speak, and with good reason. Not only is it a friendly neighborhood [smokeless] bar, but the beer is premium, some of the finest I’ve downed - ales, complex and fruity, and lager, pure and crisp. The distilling process takes place on the premises in an adjacent room that equipped with a large viewing window. Gossein spends the majority of his time in the “laboratory” conducting various top-secret experiments. Their brew has won numerous awards, including several gold and silver medals at last year’s New Mexico State Fair, “where we walked away with the most [medals],” Cunningham said.

The building’s façade sports no flashing florescent sign, only a draped banner emblazoned with High Desert Brewery Co. Inside, a step-up takes beer tippers to the bar where good-natured Donna Almarez serves as bartender and confidante. Gary Freedman, owner of Made in the Shade Co. on Picacho Ave, handcrafted the handsome cedar bar chairs.

A German couple, traveling the Southwest, stopped in one day and was so pleased with the brew that when they got home, they mailed Cunningham 250 coasters that now dangle from the ceiling. “None of them is the same,” he says. Since then, other coasters from around the world have materialized. “There’s only five coasters that are identical and if a customer can point them out, I’ll give them a free beer,” Cunningham promises. Also displayed is foreign currency and old auto license plates, including a 1947 New Mexico plate found during the renovation. “After we hung it on the wall, others started appearing,” said Cunningham, characterizing the interior décor as “evolving.” Soon, local artists will display their works in the adjacent dining area.

Thursday and Saturday nights are reserved for live musical entertainment. One acoustic guitarist, Bugs Salcido also serves as a cook. “I admit “Bugs” is a strange name for a guy that hangs out in a kitchen,” laughed Cunningham.

So, what’s this got to do with chile, you ask? At High Desert’s debut, a stein was served with a bowl of mini pretzels and cheese crackers. But patrons began demanding munchies - nachos, burgers, chicken wings and such. After all, “What’s a good beer without a burger?” Cunningham and Gossein agreed, but packing a commercial kitchen into their allotted 300-ft space required much work. In the meantime, they appeased patrons by promising, “We’ll have something in two weeks.” After many such intervals passed with still no menu, “two weeks” became humorously synonymous with infinity.

But last week, Cunningham and Gossein surprised regulars when they introduced “our first menu,” hot with savory chile dishes: three cheese-Tequila Jalapeno Poppers, jalapeno and onion strips, cayenne-heated spicy chicken wings, chile cheese fries, nachos dashed with jalapenos, green chile stew and a quarter pound chile cheese Angus burger. Cunningham and Gossein are also big on quesadillas, offerings prepared with a variety of flavored tortilla wraps including chipolte chile, garlic, spinach and tomato basil, each packed with distinct stuffing like pepperjack and asadero cheeses, pesto and pine nuts, and tomatillos.

Wisconsin beer-cooked Johnsonville bratwursts slathered with sauerkraut and mustard, and the battered sweet potato fries splashed with Ranch Dressing are as popular as they are guilt-producing. But vegetarians should sample the black bean gardenburger, the veg-head appetizer and the veggie basket. The brewers themselves and their four cooks donated many of the recipes.
All that’s missing from the menu is chile beer. Hint

As nutrient-rich as they are delicious, hot peppers also trigger an endorphin rush in your brain that’s chemically related to runner’s high and heroin’s kick. Yes, the pepper is truly a friend of the people. Consequently, the people have helped spread peppers from their native South America to everywhere else, especially Asia.

I like to eat peppers every day of the year. So before the summer season whizzes by in a capsicum haze of chiles rellenos and ema datse, I must stock up. This annual effort to squirrel away my yearly pepper needs has led me to something very special: the pickled pepper.

Me without my pickled peppers would be like Eddie Van Halen without his guitar. But being a pickled-pepper star isn’t all groupies and glory. It takes a year of work to amass a year’s supply. Pepper seeds, ordered in winter, take all spring and summer to mature. Garlic must be planted in fall for inclusion in next year’s pickled-pepper jar.

Alternatively, you can go down to a farmer’s market and get what you need there.

As our native predecessors prided themselves on using every part of their kill, so too do I use the entire contents of that pepper jar. The peppers themselves, whether garnished or co-munched (chewed together with your food), provide savory acidic counterbalance to the rich, fatty foods we love. Sometimes I pickle carrots in the jar with peppers, and those carrots are great for co-munching too, having picked up the heat from the peppers. A bite of food, a bite of carrot now chew!

Meanwhile, many a great meal begins with chopped bacon in a pan, followed with chopped pickled peppers. And a pour of pepper-jar vinegar, tangy and sweet and speckled with floating mustard seeds, improves almost any marinade.

My current darling jar is a combo I call hotties and sweeties. It contains hot, red Arledge chili peppers and sweet Klari Baby Cheese peppers, which look like orange tomatoes and taste like candy. The only drawback of the hotties and sweeties is the fact that the minute you crack the lid, the contents fly out of the jar into the mouths of ravenous bystanders. You must guard them with your life.

If you don’t have these particular varieties of pepper at your disposal, don’t despair. When I give you a recipe, what I’m really offering is the truth behind the recipe. It’s your job to play with this truth and tweak it to your liking. There are a lot of peppers out there and much research to be done. Come January, you can order your Arledge and Klari Baby Cheese seeds from FedcoSeeds.com.

In the meantime, there are many hotties and sweeties you can substitute for my choices. Hotties should be red, with the stocky, fleshy build of a jalapeno. Sweeties should be vine-ripened and juicy, never green.

In addition to your peppers, you need the following things to pickle them:

A large canning pot
Mason jars, ideally quart or pint, with lids and rings
Cider vinegar
Sweetener
Yellow and black mustard seeds
Garlic

Wash the peppers. On a clean cutting board, cut off the tops, just below the leafy collar. Hotties and small sweeties can be left whole. Cut the larger sweet peppers into halves, quarters, or slices. Put the peppers in a big bowl and sprinkle with salt — about three tablespoons per gallon of peppers. Stirring and draining occasionally, let the bowl sit for a few hours in a cool place while the salt pulls moisture from the pepper flesh.

Pack your peppers into clean, sterilized Mason jars, with a few raw cloves of garlic per jar. Leave about 3/4 inch of “head space” between the top of the peppers and the rim of the jar. Add a tablespoon each of yellow and black mustard seeds per quart.

Meanwhile, bring a 50/50 mixture of cider vinegar and water to a simmer. I like cider vinegar because it makes the best-tasting pickles. Sweeten the syrup with sugar, until it tastes a little sweet. Pour the hot syrup into the jars, covering the peppers but still leaving 1/2 inch of head space.

Wipe the rims, put the lids and rings on the jars, and process in a boiling water bath for 10 minutes. Remove, cool, and store in a cool dark place.

Repeat until you have over 100 quarts. It still won’t be enough.

Rachael Ray, the chatty cook who rose to Food Network stardom with her quickly prepared meals and eat-on-the-cheap travelogues, gets serenaded on her new show.

Actor-turned-talk-show-host Tony Danza sings to Ray during an upcoming episode of “Inside Dish with Rachael Ray,” premiering at 9 p.m. Friday on the cable network.

But if the idea of mixing food and Danza’s vocal skills leaves you queasy, wait for the moment to pass: Danza is just one of the celebrities Ray hangs out with as she learns what’s cooking in their kitchens, lives and careers.

In the premiere episode, Ray visits the Montecito home of “NYPD Blue” star Dennis Franz to see how he adds an Asian twist to crab cakes.

In another, Ray jumps aboard the tour bus of rock band Aerosmith to talk with guitarist Joe Perry about his Rock Your World Boneyard Brew Hot Sauce made with garlic, lime juice and chipotle and habanero chilies.

Subsequent episodes show her dancing with “Bruce Almighty” star Morgan Freeman at his Ground Zero Blues Club in Clarksdale, Miss., and getting the scoop on how “ER” star Mekhi Phifer prepared for his big-screen debut in Spike Lee’s “Clockers.” Daisy Fuentes, Jill Hennessy, Cheech Marin and Mariel Hemingway also make appearances.

And, yes, Ray intends to keep shooting new episodes of “30-Minute Meals” and “$40 a Day” even as she works on “Inside Dish,” making for one busy schedule.

“If you gave me the choice between winning $10 million in the lottery or having my life as it is today, hands down I would pick my life,” Ray said last year during an interview with the Ventura County Star, which shares a parent company with the Food Network.

Ray grew up working in her family’s restaurant in Cape Cod, Mass., and calls her mother “the head chef of the only cooking school I’ve ever attended.”

A career in the food industry seemed fated when Ray saw a newspaper ad for a job at one of her favorite places in the world: the food hall known as Macy’s Marketplace in New York. She started at the candy counter and worked her way to the fresh foods department, which stocked 300 kinds of cheese and had what Ray laughingly called “caviar wars” with Zabar’s, a competing market.

It was while working at another market in Albany that Ray came up with the idea of 30-minute cooking classes as a marketing tool to lure time-strapped customers into the shop. A local TV station taped a story about the popularity of the classes, then offered Ray a once-a-week cooking segment, which was shot in people’s homes. A companion cookbook followed.

Today, Ray is the author of an ever-growing list of cookbooks. Her “30-Minute Meals: Around the Clock” and “30-Minute Meals for Kids: Cooking Rocks!” both were published this month.

She explained her appeal to children: “I guess I’m just goofy enough to seem like a cartoon. I have this goofy laugh and wave my hands around a lot.”

Adults, meanwhile, are drawn to Ray’s promise of quick, home-cooked meals. Never mind that she often uses commercial mixes, frozen or canned vegetables, packaged fresh pasta and store-bought cookies and cakes to get the job done in 30 minutes.

“I don’t know that if I had all day and the world’s largest garden that I’d cook any differently,” Ray said, joking that she must suffer from attention deficit disorder, laziness or both.

Her recipes include quick takes on traditionally time-consuming dishes like as cioppino and gumbo.

“(The idea) is not just to make it fast but to please the palate as much as the dish that took three days to make,” Ray said. “Just because it’s 30 minutes doesn’t mean it’s not as good.”

And as viewers may or may not discover thanks to her new series, just because a celebrity cooked, it doesn’t mean it will be tasty.

– Ventura County Star staff writer Lisa McKinnon contributed to this report.

Common cubicle dwellers (a zoology)

Bet you’ll recognize these eccentric office animals
MARK PRICE
Staff Writer

Sixty percent of white-collar workers are now stuck in cubicles, and trend experts say the lack of space has spawned a myriad of eccentric office types.

Chances are, you work with a “Linux” (cranky tech-support guy), or a “Drool Tool” (someone who smacks his lips and crinkles bags while eating). Here are other common office breeds as described in trend spotter Robert Lanham’s new book “Food Court Druids, Cherohonkees and Other Creatures Unique to the Republic” (Plume Paperback, $12, Nov. 2 release):

Straight Shooters

An earnest-talking, micromanaging, office-jargon aficionado who has no hands-on knowledge of company procedures or logistics. Common habitat is McMansions in treeless housing developments. Hobbies include collecting metal band wristwatches and reading USA Today. To announce their presence in the morning, straight shooters often enter the building talking jovially on cell phones. Their core lingo includes sports metaphors and such phrases as “I’ll front-burner that,” “what’s on your plate” and “we’re transitioning you.”

Alpha Weasels

Back-stabbing employees whose inflated ambitions cause people not to like them. Favorite hangout is the conference room and leadership classes at the local community college. They typically bring their voice up a notch at meetings, make their pagers visible at all times, bring better cookies and take charge of rounding people up for office meetings.

Happy Mondays

Excessively cheerful co-workers with overly earnest or maternal natures. Often have an assortment of conversation props on their desks, including candy dish, photos and collection of California Singing Raisins. Obsessed with kids and pets. Enjoy wearing holiday buttons and sweaters. Can be counted on to forward all fun e-mails to co-workers.

CROW

(Cornered Rapid Office Workers) The office equivalent of the disgruntled coffee shop employee. Intelligent, sarcastic underachievers who lash out unexpectedly. A CROW’s discontent lies in his lack of vocational fulfillment. However, they are able to juggle work, a dysfunctional relationship and an active drug habit all at once.

Dry Lumps

The quietest person in the office. She’s shy, conventional, professional and 100 percent business. But give her a couple of drinks at the company picnic and she’s ready to disrobe and lean over a balcony Mardi Gras-style. She’ll call in sick the next day, but when she finally returns to work, she’ll act as if nothing happened.

Hot Sauce Guy

He likes things spicy and always has hot sauce at his desk to prove it.If you’re fortunate enough to have a good Hot Sauce Guy at your office, he’ll stock his desk with exotic mixtures from foreign lands. He’s very easy to shop for at Secret Santa time.
Ring Worms

People addicted to cell phones. They bring their phones everywhere and frequently call friends to update them.

They also stare at their phones and giggle, messaging friends while you’re trying to talk to them. Extremely obnoxious Ring Worms are called Cellholes.

TGIFs

The office pervert. Favorite habitat is hovering over your cubicle. TGIFs often carry a pubescent-level world view and live for the drunken revelry of the weekend.Always animated storytellers, they announce their presence by saying “I’m soooooo hung over” before offering anecdotes. Apt to pop up throughout the day to discuss what the hot chick in accounting is wearing.

Tomb Raiders

The female version of a TGIF.

Friday, June 20, 2003
By Mike Hess
NEW YORK — Picture this scene: five grown men shaking, crying uncontrollably and sweating profusely. It’s not a battle re-enactment from a war flick, but the aftermath of eating an order of Atomic wings from Quaker Steak & Lube.

That is, of course, after they signed medical waivers in order to eat said wings.

“I … after being aware of the most extreme degree of heat … am willing to hold harmless Best Wings USA Inc.,” reads the waiver, noting that the undersigned is “giving up his/her right to recover for any acts involved with the ingestion of the above described food product.”

“Your initial bite, you get the flavor and then it starts to get hotter,” said Mike Colello, general manager of the Sharon, Pa., restaurant. “The burn starts to get worse, and that’s when the customers start asking for the chocolate syrup.”

The syrup helps quell the searing inferno in customers’ mouths.

“Water makes it much, much worse,” Colello advised.

Food’s spiciness is generated by the amount of capsaicin an item contains, and is rated by the Scoville Heat Unit (search) scale, where a green bell pepper ranks 0 and a jalapeno pulls in around 3,000 units.

The sauce used on Atomic wings nets 150,000-300,000 Scoville units — 50 to 100 times hotter than a jalapeno (which are served with the wings “to cool down your palate”) — depending on the batch of habanero peppers used in the sauce. Habaneros are the hottest pepper, containing the most capsaicin of any chili.

Like bungee jumpers and other risk-takers, there’s a legion of spice freaks always searching for the ultimate extreme — or the spiciest concoction.

“The first thing people always ask is, ‘What’s the hottest stuff you’ve got,’” said Dave DeWitt, author of more than 30 spicy cookbooks and organizer of the National Fiery-Foods and BBQ expos, which hold hot sauce contests.

Eating something as jacked-up as the Atomic wings “triggers the release of endorphins to kill the pain,” said DeWitt, who runs www.fiery-foods.com and is known as the “Pope of Peppers.” He explained that those who opt to stomach such fire achieve something akin to “a runner’s high.”

Quaker Steak & Lube, established in 1974 in Sharon, Pa., is now a 13-strong chain and has earned its stripes as a top hot-wing restaurant. Equal parts eatery and mechanic shop, it serves inexpensive, casual grub and nearly every dish bears the name of something automotive, such as Edsel Pretzels and O-Rings Ontenna onion rings.

But it’s the assortment of 16 wing sauces that separates Quaker Steak & Lube from other restaurants. Sauces like the award-winning Buckeye BBQ, Louisiana Lickers and Munchurian Madness meld a spicy kick with tangy flavors.

But for straight “Buffalo” style wings, there are rungs in the fire ladder: Mild, Medium, Hot, Suicide and the mouth-detonating Atomic.

Granted, the release form is as much a publicity stunt as it is a warning, as Colello joked, “It’s definitely a fun thing, but they are hot to the point where we have to warn.”

Despite the waiver, Quaker Steak & Lube said they’re not aware of any customers being hospitalized. Medical research shows spicy foods have positive health effects, including aiding weight control and clearing nasal passages. On the downside, fiery foods can make heartburn worse, trigger hot flashes and increase the heart rate.

DeWitt said he’s witnessed “fainting and spontaneous vomiting,” from some of these sauces, and his prime health concerns lie in the consumer’s “sensitivity issue and allergic reactions possibly causing anaphylactic shock,” which induces dangerously low blood pressure.

As the protective-glove wearing server brought the order over, another staffer told a tale of an overwhelmed diner who ran outside and ate handfuls of snow after just one Atomic wing.

The misleading first bite is all marvelous flavor, but before you know it, the pins-and-needles style discomfort spreads like a brushfire. The sting continues to a scorching climax, and you begin to wonder if the chef mistakenly coated the wings in lava instead of edible sauce.

After nearly 10 minutes, the burn that once resided in your mouth heads south, nestling itself nicely as a wicked case of heartburn.

But after a few antacid tablets and an “Atomic Wings Survivor” bumper sticker, the only question remaining among the group was: “When can we come back?”