It was a bright crisp morning, I was standing on the bridge watching the new crew come aboard, they were some strange looking lads. As I stood there I spied my First Mate Nancy who usually did the findin’ and the hirin’ of the crew members. I hailed her up to the bridge. Lookin as I was at the crew she came up kind of slow. So, I says to her right off, this crew looks kinda different. No she says, their a good crew, hand picked as they are, by your’s truly. I’ll vouch for everyone of um. But as she turned to walk away I thought I seen a sneer and her mouth scrunched up in that little rat face look she gives. I thought that’s kinda unusual she must have a bad case of gas. So for the rest of the day I goes about me business of Captain’n. checkin the lines and such an that there. And up go the sails and out to sea we go’s.

The next mornin after a good nights sleep, I comes up on deck to find a huge fire pit (charcoal grill) in the middle of the deck, it was kinda strange but I didn’t think nothing of it. Maybe the night watch was cold or something. After a stroll around the deck and lookin after the ship. I thought I was getting some odd looks from the crew, this gives me a cold kinda feelin like someone walked on your grave, but I though nothing of it, new lads getting their sea legs. So down to me cabin to check the charts and set the course for the next day. At the time I didn’t realize that there was an ambush in the offset. Out from behind the drapes of my cabin comes a gang of scurvy ridden mates with blood in their eyes (my blood as it were).

The next thing I know I’m trussed up like a pig at a 4th of July roast. Well, there I was with an apple in my mouth and a carrot up me ars. The cookie standin over me with a evil grin and just a shapenin his favorite cleaver. I tell you I was a getting a little nerves and my stomach was a churnin. Next thing I know I got a rumblin in the down south area and that there carrot comes a flyin out like it was shot from a cannon. Hit that there cookie right between the eyes. This guy was a big fellow and started to roll with the waves, pretty soon his a fallin backwards and the cleaver goes a flyin and lands right between my legs, cutting that rope that was holdin me clean as you please.

Well, the next thing I did was to check and see was if all my down unders were still down under, and Ye they were! As you can figger I was pretty sore, and wanted my revenge. Just then it hit me damn BBQ Pirates! Knowin as I do the BBQ pirates are scared of hot sauce, I grabbed several bottles off the pantry shelf and started for the upper decks with two in each hand. There they were all standin around the (fire pit) big charcoal grill with the First Mate in the middle of um, just laffin and carryin on, til her eyes falls on me! Her face turned ten shades of white and assorted other colors and she slowly slipped to the back of the group.

The rest of the BBQ mutineers were kind of wonderin what the hell was goin on. When one of them spotted me and started screamin like a little girl. Out I came screamin like a hurricane blowin down the mainsail, slingin hot sauce as I came. Well those BBQ Pirate mutineers were so scared they started jumpin overboard and a cryin for their mommys. Around the deck I went chasin em down, until all were over the side. So as I’m lookin around to see if there are anymore of the scurvy dogs, I spies my old buddy First Mate Nancy. There she was hidden in a corner of the main deck behind a barrel of rum, and low and behold she still had the big BBQ mop in her hands, afraid to let go of it I reckon.

As I was walkin toward her she stepped out to face me, a brave and admirable thing to do under the circumstances. I stopped about 5 feet in front of her and blared out. In my best Captain Thom’s voice” Well, whata you have to say fur yourself?”. She looks at be with her cheeks shakin like a chipmunk with the wind blowin up its back and says “Captain after all it was only a Celebrity Captains Roast, all in good fun, you know”, and she starts laughin in that little comical way she does. You know, I was so caught of guard that I started laughin too, so hard I was almost doubled over.

Well, after that we had a long talk and she swears that she’ll never do that again or try to be Captain either. Somehow I believe her at least til the next time. And you know shes still my First Mate til this day. So ends the story of Captain Thom and the BBQ Pirates.