I know we have quite a few HSBer’s that have done this. So you can probably relate to this story. For you future contestants, I hope you take some of this story to heart for you may not be ready to try this truly diabolical event.
The anticipation for this was high. So was the trepidation. It is one of those things that you know you are about to do something ridiculous against your own better judgement. Something that the guys from Jackass would do.
What made things worse was that I had tried some of the Zero the night before, so I doubly knew that this wasn’t a good idea. But being the host city for this DeathMatch there was no way I was going to back out of it.
Once we arrived at the Bishop and the Belcher I sat around and mingled, had some beers and watched everyone have a great time enjoying “normal”ย wings (Defcon 1,2,3). This may have been one the good things I did in retrospect as if I had a meal before hand I wouldn’t have been able to scarf down the wings during the match.
At around 6:45 there was a noticeable change in the air (and it wasn’t Nick’s bad gas). The Creator and Createss had started preparing the Death Match Sauce and wow did it ever clear out everyone’s nose at the Pub. Shortly after the Death Arena was set-up the match was announced.
All the preliminary details, liability waivers and a good deal of trash talking quickly ensued and vanished as the first of seven plates for 7 contestants were laid out.
The course of events over the next 3 minutes and 35 seconds are kind of blurred. I knew I was off to a great start and had finished off the first few wings before the others really got started. There was no time to see the competition. Just focus on the task at hand.
Around the 6th wing I ran into my first wall. The heat was setting in and I had way to much poultry mashed into my mouth. I was then able to take what I think was my only sip of beer of the match. It was also the first time that I noticed that Sporto was holding his own. I grabbed two more wings and finished them. Here came the 2nd wall. I was in quite a bit of pain from the heat but the toughest part was eating the wing. I was full of food. A quick glance to see that I had to make a sprint to the finished line I finished off wing #9, resisted the urge to throw it up and polished off #10. DONE!
Well not really. I now had to wait for the 5:00 minutes to expire for the other contestants to finished and the wait ANOTHER 5:00 with my hands on the table. No wiping off the Zero covering my face and burning my skin. No wiping the tears streaming from my eyes. No raising my hands to take a sip of beer. That was one of the longest 5:00 minutes I can remember.
When all was said and done there were three finishers. A new record for contestants completing a Death Match. Two contestants didn’t even get past two wings. I was presented with the 1st place prize, received a certificate and have a personalized shirt from the Creator himself. Above all I have the bragging rights.
The following hours also became a bit of a blur. I had to get a glass of milk and wash my face in it. I could barely take a sip of beer (I don’t drink milk BTW). Each sip seemed to wash up some Zero that lodged somewhere in my mouth.
Shortly there after the stomach cramps started. We went back to our place to continue the party but I spent most of it in the bathroom. After an hour of false calls there was a lurch in my stomach that told me I was on the toilet the wrong way. These wings had other intentions and wanted to give me one last taste. Everything came back up. Including the Zero. That mixed with gastric juice made me feel like I had just chugged down some Drano. This out of all things was probably my saving grace for the next day. As whatever I brought up freed me what could have been a horrible morning the next day.
For Huvason who holds the speed record and Nick who has the quantity record and to the people that have done this more than once, I salute you. If you have the stomach for it and the opportunity, a Defcon Death Match could be one of crowning achievements for any chili-head.
Written by Anthony
Nick Lindauer founded Hot Sauce Blog in 2004, making it one of the internet's very first hot sauce review sites. After 20+ years of tasting, reviewing, and attending every major fiery foods event in the country, he's back behind the keyboard covering the hot sauce world he helped build.
29 responses to “Defcon Death Match – Step by Step”
Well said Anthony…Like a trip down the River Styx. Congratulations once again, and yes, you do own the bragging rights.
I wasn’t aware of Nick’s bad gas though. ๐
Anthony..you do own the bragging rights…understatement. Glad it was finally explained. When is the book being published??…lol…
LOL – GREAT description of the deathmatch Anthony. I was in the first one ever, lost to Mr Freeze by a fraction. You would have thought i’d learn my lesson, but NOooooooo Stupid Polock braon of mine ๐
I’ve never thrown up, but I get these stabbing pains in my stomach a few hours later. Like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Lot’s of fun – lol.
Congrats again!
Insane……
Now, remind me why I want to do this?
You could be the all new Pepsid AC star….$$$$$$$$
LOL! You guys are sick! Keep up the good work.
[Comment ID #95279 Quote]
Where do I start?!?
[Comment ID #95311 Quote]
Oh believe me, I will. ๐
Creator why did you come up with that 5 min rule..??..PAIN..?
Anthony,what happened the next day after Defcon Death Match..????
Squezing grapes, making wine…lol..lol….pass your stomach….lol
[Comment ID #95349 Quote]
Like said, I ended up puking everything a couple of hours later.
This was a good thing, as the next morning I was free and clear from the “Ring of Fire”.
It was better to take all the pain in one evening than have it prolonged the next day.
Also, Huv said it best with his description of the stomach pain.
So if need be induce puking..? This could be good info for others.
[Comment ID #95346 Quote]
I want everyone to enjoy the exquisitely painful bliss on their road to bragging rights. The shirt given out to the winner is pretty cool, and there are only 4 of them in the public domain thus far.
Not to mention, it a real crowd pleaser as they’re viewing the contestants.
[Comment ID #95355 Quote]
Not really, I think ipecac (sp?) would be little easier on the system. Anyone who has ingested a good amount of extract in a very short time knows these stomach pains all too well.
Overall….A+…..To All…And To All……CIAO
You threw up? Wait a Min..is he still allowed bragging rights? Good job anthony!! even know down here in the lower states puking is not heard of!!!
[Comment ID #95460 Quote]
He hurled hours later, not right afterwards. And a vurp is allowed once that final timer goes off ๐
The jury is still out on the vurp ๐
[Comment ID #95493 Quote]
Creator?????
You guys are killin’ me. As long as there isn’t a big splashdown on the table during the competition, you’re ok. I completely missed the vurp at the Alley some time ago.
LOL…LOL…can we get a little more graphic…???
Hey Creator – I called the bar last night that the deathmatch was held at and they are not going to quick with your wing sauce on an ongoing basis – they gave me some nonsense about a waiver req’d as the reason. Ah well, I really would travel out of my way for wings made with your Defcon 1 … it really was that good! Cheers
[Comment ID #95714 Quote]
Waiver? We don’t sell the Deathmatch sauce. Whatever. I’m just glad to give Gerry at Taste the 4th Sense some good exposure.
Creator….think someone got some wires crossed on that one…mabe Ken talked to some new person on the floor etc.etc…..nobody would turn that exposure down…….they be nuts to do that!!…
[Comment ID #95940 Quote]
Ya – I think something got mixed up. They won’t be holding Death Matches but I am pretty sure Defcon 1-2-3 will me the norm now.
[Comment ID #95258 Quote]
Ah yes the first ever Death Match I remember it well Huv and that was a close match. Can’t wait to do it again.
Hey Huv what is the record for downing of the Death sauce wings………….
This will give me something to shoot for in my next match…………….
Huv did it in about 2 1/2 minutes.
[Comment ID #96177 Quote]
Have to say that is fast, but I think I can beat it or at least I will try. It is nice to see the popularity the Death Match is gaining. Hey Creator you been watching any hockey………..